Gardeners are Nature Lovers. They should not be confused with Naturists. Naturists like to get their gears off, Nature Lovers just like things to do with Nature.

Now, that is not to say that being a Naturist isn’t, well, Natural, it’s just not something commonly practiced by your common or, um, garden Nature Lover.

Are you confused yet? Good, cos I’m not quite done yet.

Some people like to make love in the garden. I know these people - one of them is probably reading this right now. They are a whole different kind of Nature Lover and should not be confused with the other type. You don’t have to have sex in the garden to be a Nature Lover (but it helps).

People’s gardens are usually a reflection of themselves - nice neat, manicured, expensive gardens filled with high maintenance, labour intensive artfully planted flora, and a garden shed or garage just brimming with gadgets and tools for executing the aforesaid maintenance. Gardens belonging to these people are too scared to grow a weed, but they are inclined to “allow” stray tree roots to disrupt little things like immaculate paving. It’s easier to rip out groundcover and replace with weedmat than it is to cut down a 30 foot high tree.

No shit.

There are gardens that have a variety of textures and colours with style and placement giving way to ease of maintenance and hours required to maintain a tidy status quo. These gardens aren’t scared to grow weeds, they just draw the line at actually overwhemling their closest and weakest neighbours. It’s survival of the fittest - and the fastest growing.

“Feed me, Seymour”

Then there are the gardens where weeds flourish happily amongst last years reseeded annuals and assorted hardy perennials that managed to get a roothold. These gardens aren’t scared of anything but pruners, a fork and trowel. Not the $2 Shop ones, though. They aren’t scary at all.

Then there is MY garden… well, that’s what I think it used to be, but I’m not 100% sure.

My garden is the place where plants are too scared to even try to poke their heads up. They live in fear of the grasses; they cower in mortification at the convolvulous and they quake with terror at the sight of Adam walking past pushing the mower or carrying the weedeater.

Not that they see THAT very often, I might add.

So, people tend to have gardens that reflect their lives, really. Tidy, organised, casual or informal or a mirror image of a brain that can’t cope, completely disorganised with little to break the monotony of 3 foot hight grass everywhere. People put things in their gardens that aren�t so Natural, just to put their own, unique stamp of authenticity on their creation. Some people put swings and toys, for big people and little people. Some use paving and edging to define the corners of their gardens, the rooms in their brains. Some like to add traditional or contemporary statuary; others go for water features and windmills.

And then there are those who really like to combine the whole farking lot in one… or very nearly so.

The true Nature Lover’s Water Feature - it’s 63cm tall, er long…



And nothing shouts “class” like a 2 foot high concrete cock and balls spurting liquid out the end.

Does it?

Something for me to perch upon, at your next barbeque :-)