friend
n.

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
3. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.
4. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.


Here on my last official day of employment with "*********.**.**", I still struggle with understanding how people can do to someone they profess to love the things Colin did to me. I still don't understand how people can change so much over the years, or perhaps how they can hide so well who they really are for so many years.

I cannot come to grips with a man paying himself enough money from his business to afford a rich man's hobbies, overseas holidays, skiing trips and expensive toys while not reimbursing the people who keep a large portion of said business afloat, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and pay their own costs for the privilege. I don't understand how one can ask the earth yet not even be able to say thank you. I just don't get how a man can call himself a man when he uses a woman, his friend, physically, emotionally, intellectually and cheat on his wife with her sexually yet is not be able to say "I'm sorry" when he removes her job for no apparent reason other than he doesn't want to play Mr Webhost Provider any more and produces bogus figures to back it up. Pffft, like he ever knew shit about that side of the business or had bugger-all to do with it anyway.

We all have our own standards of action; of behaviour; honesty, loyalty and integrity. I guess that's what our friendships are built on; similar philosophies in morals, ethics and interests. We find the common ground and build upon it.

And as we build, we give away A,B and C to those who we know and love and trust. We do it just simply because we can, but not in expectation of a return of X, or Y, or even Z. Receiving in return just reaffirms that our contribution is appreciated, is recognised, has value. As we share our lives, we can't help but share out dreams, our fears, our triumphs and tears. We can't help but contribute our time and skills and loyalty, not if we are sincere.

Not if we are friends.

There is the school of thought that says we should not place our own standards upon others, should not set them up to fail. This has merit. But by allowing others to treat us badly, we also give them permission to continue to do it. We shouldn't denigrate ourselves by letting people walk all over us, take from us and not pay their way. If they cannot give loyalty, consideration, gratitude and respect as good as what they got, then the time has passed where a friendship can survive, where you would even want it to. It makes it very hard to believe that there is anyone you can really trust.

Cutting the bonds of such a friendship after so many years of giving when the trust is slaughtered, when the other party proves to be disloyal, callous, arrogant and an opportunist is similar to removing, without anaesthetic, a major organ like a liver or a kidney.

Or a Heart.

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah - Shrek 2

It makes me wonder who the loser really is - the person betrayed and lost, or the person who did the betraying.

The one who knew exactly what it was he stole.

I'd hate to have his Karma; he'll shit all over the wrong person one day and get his ass whipped until its creamy and fluffy. There is a little part inside of me that really wants to be there to hold the bowl steady.

But here, now, at the End of All Things, I know which one of us was honest, which one had integrity, which one was betrayed and which one really was a friend to the end.

Knowing the truth will have to suffice.