"How are you".
Do you really want to know? Then be prepared to try to listen, it should only take an hour. Then you won't fall into the trap of #2.

"You are looking great".
Do you know how long we worked to get this much of our excrement all in the same location? Yeah, we're looking bloody marvellous until we fall over. We're hanging together with bits of elastic, some #8 wire and a whole pot of Polyfilla. Talking to someone who thinks we look great is inclined to make us want to cry. Or go home. Either way, it's not looking promising.

"Oh, I know just how you feel".
Ok. I didn't know you had been run down by a herd of buffalo, a tribe of Indians on horseback, half a hundred prairie dogs and one lone sheep this morning, too.

"You should try this remedy, it will make everything so much better".
So will a firearm. And apparently drinking my own urine would help, too.

"It is God's will"
B O L L O C K S.
Me and this God fella have some serious straightening out to do in that case. Send him on around, I'm always home.

"Just do it when you feel better".
I am quite certain that, if the time should come when I actually do feel better, I can think of a few things of my own to spend my time on.

"Your house/garden needs a bit of a tidy up".
Well, what are you standing there for? If it bothers you, get to work. I didn't realise you were here to see the garden.

"You need to get out more, spend time with people".
Yeah? How does spending time with people who say "Hi, how are you? You are looking great, you must have been taking those deer velvet capsules I recommended and drinking your own urine" encourage me to leave the building?

"Oh come on, just show up for a few hours".
A few hours? See above.

"I've been so busy".
Yeah? Lucky you. I've been busy, too. Mainly sleeping.

"It's only a few steps to climb up".
It's a few too many, mate.

"What was that? What you just said didn't make sense".
It bloody did when I thought of it, shame the mouth got the message wrong.

"But I told you 3 times, don't you remember"?
Yeah, you told me three times when the kids were fighting, the TV was yelling full noise and there were 3 other conversations happening around us. Sorry, I can't separate your crap from the rest, it all sounds the same to me.

We seldom say very much, but this is what at least one of us sometimes thinks.

I wrote this run down of things MS can apply to it's posessor 2 years ago - my sense of humour was much less bitter then, much less pithy.

But I didn't hurt as much then, either.