Grandmother makes cheap prophylactics,
She punctures the end with a pin;
Grandfather performs the abortions.
My God, how the money rolls in.
� Anon., Sung to the tune of “My Bonnie
Lies over the Ocean,” 20thC

What a let down huh.

Condoms (not to be confused with condominiums, not if you want to walk ever again) have been around a long time. You could say they have been big for millennia, at least three of them to be more precise. The Egyptians really were ahead of everyone else.

The the Romans reputedly made them from the muscle tissue of warriors they defeated in battle.

Combarelles in France has cave paintings depicting them as early as 100 to 200 AD.

They’ve been made of weird and wacky things such as oiled silk paper and fish bladders; the Japanese had two kinds; ‘Kawagata’ or ‘Kyotai’ made of thin leather (is THAT where “Rawhide” comes from?) and ‘Kabutogata’, made from tortoiseshell or horn (gives a whole new meaning to “hard on” doesn’t it??).

They’ve been tied on with ribbon (and Tony Orlando thought he had it tough, at least his were tied on a tree).

Rubber condoms were developed shortly after the creation of vulcanized rubber in the 1840’s, by Goodyear and Hancock. (Goodyear = 12 in a pack?)

They come in all sizes (no pun intended) from wee little nippers for that small prick in your life ( up to 2 inches, no wonder they are boxed in numbers of 48, you need three to make a real dick of yourself)


to really gigantic er, suckers

Damn, fill one of those upwith the “right stuff” and your eyes are seriously gonna water on the job, huh.

There are flavoured ones, coloured ones, glow in the dark ones and novelty ones - camoflage ones (so they won’t see you coming) and cowboy ones (just to keep the sheep on their toes), lollipop ones (suck on THAT, baby), astrological sign condoms (for guaranteed pleasure compatibility, maybe?), St Parick’s Day ones (like any Irishman ever really knew if he was coming or going anyway), Soccer and Golf ones (for those who are a good sport), Zoo ones (for the real animals out there), Christmas ones (yep, Santa really only comes ONCE a year) and the ruler condom with measurements all up the shaft (just to catch out them wot sez |——————————————-> is 6 inches “pffftttttt").

No wonder women have trouble parking if THAT’S 6 inches, mate.

I was going so say “well fuck me” but I don’t think I will. I mean, we haven’t even got down to the sex toys and BDSM stuff yet. Oh well, there is always tomorrow.


A little internet condom humour.

Enjoy.

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Drop Trouser, Sydney 2120.

Dear Mr. Shlypdych,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feel that your wearing of our product in advertisements does not portray a positive romantic image for our product. A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note however that yours is the first we have seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time. We will retain your application for possible future consideration. If by chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms we will call you.
We send greetings and sympathy for your lady.

Sincerely,
Dick Burly, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.