:: Thursday, August 31, 2006

Fast Car




Imagine the mess if it was a shar pei.

I've seen this pic on several different sites around the 'net and none of them have claimed copyright of it, therefore I can't offer tribute where it belongs, to the Creator. If it's yours, email me.






:: Wednesday, August 30, 2006

20 questions; the condensed edition


Stupid people abound on the internet (no, not me!) and in any forum you will find de Lawd's Lowest Common Denominator broadcasting their lack of common sense and inability to think for themselves.

That's the trouble with computers, any idiot can drive one after a few weeks practice and then go on to inflict themselves on innocent, thinking people.

Without warning.

Here are some dumb questions and comments I have recently seen posted online:

10. Is Spotlight open today?
Duh. Ring them and ask them!

9. Some W**ker lite a fire (sic)
Turned out to be her hubby

8. Would water skiing help cure some one with really bad smelling farts?
Um... only if you drown the bugger.

7. Can you make babyfood from fresh vegies?
No, babyfood has come commercially manufactured in cans and jars for the past 500,000 years.

6. Who'd Have Blimmin Kids !!!!
Helloooooooo, your parents did!

5. What should I buy my daughter for her birthday?
Well if her mother doesn't know what her kid wants, how the fuck would anyone else know?

4. 14 month old biteing!!! (sic)
That's starting much too young. You should wait until they are two before starting to bite them.

3. "I took my daughter to the docs this morning who suspects she may have adanoids. What they really are, do they get worse??" (sic).
OMG not ADANOIDS!

2. "My little boy was born with a mole which was quite little, but anyway it has grown twice the size since he was born, he is now two. Yes I have asked the doctors and they arent worried at all. Anyone else had this and was it normal"
No it's not normal, you should not let your babies grow any bigger and that way their moles won't grow any bigger, either.

and the #1 stupid question recently seen;

1. At what age do you enjoy your children most?
Personally, I found snacking on them at about 35 worked well. They didn't seem to agree.




Overheard in docs waiting room today:

"I lost sooo much weight on that diet" [points to brain-dead-new-mother-type-of-magazine in hand]

"Really? You did? How long did it take and how much??" [all enthusiastic]

"Well, I can't remember when I started it and I'm not really sure because I didn't weigh myself before and my scales are still broken, but I just sort of feel so much thinner"

Note to self - wear incontinence pants next trip to the docs.






:: Tuesday, August 29, 2006

WOTD


TWUNT

Found lurking in a little.red.boat blog.

Make "twunt" your word of the day today!






:: Monday, August 28, 2006

More Weird-Shit-O-Meter


There are some weird people out their in Internetland.

They make sites about Death Row inmates who survived the electric chair, and have links to broadcast the actual audio footage of the procedure.

Hmmm






:: Sunday, August 27, 2006

Saving Grace


I have been on a cleaning bender today - you know, picking up the junk and cups/spoons/plates/shit that 2 lazy, argumentative, messy, inconsiderate, teenage brats leave lying around every communal area the house has. Along the way, I straightened/checked/organised the DVD collection and found 7 disks in the wrong cases, 3 DVDs that I hadn't copied yet and 2 that the copy was completely missing from the case and not anywhere to be found (that I had forgotten to sort out from earlier this year).

You see, being naturally suspicious of the aforementioned small, messy people's ability to louse up my cataloguing and generally forget to put their disks back in the right case (yet they are great with disks we borrow from Muzz *shrug*), we often have an assortment of DVDs lying around, bare of all protection so whenever I buy a DVD I make a backup copy for the kids to use and put the original away carefully in my Sacred Place.

That's my desk drawer, pervert. All my software and all my movies/music videos live there not far from the filing cabinet so that, in the event of fire, its easy to grab disks, documents and my PC all at the same time. In fact, we had an evacuation plan for the house - should it catch fire, Reg was to grab the disks and docs, I'd grab the PC and we'd come back for the kids if there was time. Of course, now the kids are bigger, they can grab something each as well and one of THEM can go back for the dog. I'm sure Nushie would appreciate such thoughtfulness.

So tonight I spent the evening making back up copies of 'Van Helsing', 'A Knight's Tale' and 'Almost Famous' and replacing the missing 'Jakob The Liar' and 'What Dreams May Come' disks while attempting to watch (and appreciate) Scary Movie 3.

Anyway, I don't actually have a point except that some mongrel (and they have been missing since about February) has wandered off with 2 DVDs, left the cases behind and no-one seems to know where they went. And nicking 2 of my Robin Williams DVDs is incredibly bad form and I hope their earholes turn into arseholes and shit all down there shoulders. With any luck, they'll eat some of their 37kg p/a share of undercooked chicken first and have a goodly dose of campylobacter at the time.

That's called poetic justice.

Amen.

PS - play 'spot the typo' in the final paragraph, I'm not even going to fix it. Have you any idea how many times I edit these posts before leaving them to posterity as they are? That's right, just as you thought.






:: Saturday, August 26, 2006

Renaming rites


Yaxlich might be Beefy McManstick but I'm Pee Wee Herman




Your Penis Name Is...



Pee Wee Herman




don't ask.

**suddenly understands reason for all those penis enlargement emails**






:: Friday, August 25, 2006

More Big Fish


Look Flattie, look what I found.



Have you recovered your wits after Huntsville and Mystery Case Files? Cos this one is on the Titanic.

It's a cracker!

Listening to: the microwave heat up my wheatie (you can do a lot in three minutes, even write a blog post AND take a pee.).
Reading: a book, forget what it's called.


beep beep beep beep beep






:: Thursday, August 24, 2006

Woof woof arooo


If Nushka doesn't stop farting I am going to laser her foo-foo valve closed. She was a much nicer dog to have around when all she did was ouah-ouah, gaf-gaf, hav-hav and wang-wang (that's Chinese, you know) occasionally when someone knocks on the door.

Honestly, the stench is horrible, like something crawled up her and died and she hasn't even had any green tripe. She lurves green tripe, even more than 2 weeks dead possum or a freshly thwacked on the head rabbit. Even more than chocolate.

She's obviously not a real woman.

And hopefully that small bit of laser surgery will also cure me of further onomatopoetic outpourings at the same time.

At least she doesn't queef as well. It doesn't sound good, you know. If you are easily offended, don't open that link. Shit, what am I saying, if you were easily offended you wouldn't have got this far down the blog, would you. Go ahead, just open it.

I can smell her. She's done it again.

Listening to: descriptive animal noises
Reading: configuring phpMyadmin and MySQL.






:: Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Things I wish I could do #1


From this


to this



Some people are very skilled and will show you how it's done.






:: Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Luck of the Oirish/Welsh/Scottish/French/ German/Indian mutt


You buggers didn't remind me to buy Lotto the other day and some other lucky person got my 9.5 million. But that's ok, I forgive you, because now I'm MEGA rich!

Look!

MICROSOFT MEGA JACKPOT LOTTERY KINGDOM.LONDON.
BANK OF ENGLAND/MICROSOFT HOUSE, LONDON.

REF NO: MSW/154S/WL04.
MICRO (LOTTERY) CHIP NO: 9465021

MICROSOFT EMAIL LOTTERY AWARD PROMOTION: UNITED KINGDOM


Finally today, we announce the winners of the MICROSOFT MEGA JACKPOT LOTTO WINNINGS PROGRAMS held on 19th, August 2006. Your company or your personal e-mail address, won in the second lottery category 002.

You are therefore been approved for lump sums pay out of £5,500,000.00 FIVE MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS. Equivalent to ($10,064,000 USD) Ten Million, Sixty Four Thousand US Dollars. In cash Credited to file REF NO: M154S/WL04 and MICRO (LOTTERY) CHIP NO: 9465021, you are the second lucky winner of the total winners of 10. You all won £5.5, million Pounds each.

All the 10 participants were selected through our Microsoft computer ballot system (MCBS) drawn from each continent, as part of International "E-MAIL" Promotions Program, to promote the use of emails all over the World, and to promote the use of Microsoft Office. Your funds (certified Cashiers cheque) have been insured with your REF NO: M154S/WL04.To claim your winning prize (£5.5, million pounds),you must first contact our Fiduciary/Processing Agent by email, Mr. Kenneth Brown. Who is our accredited representative for the Processing and remittance of your prize money to you.You can reach him on:

The Claims Processor:
Name: Mrs. Florence Walter
E-mail: mrsflorencewalter@yahoo.co.uk

...there's something doesn't look right here....

can you spot it?
.
.
.
It's not because it was sent to me, either.

Surely Microsoft don't use free server email addresses? Mind you, I suppose Hotmail ones would be appropriate... it's not s_p_a_m, is it??

[\deflate]

But wait, there's a beautiful rider at the end of it;


WARNING!!! WARNING!!! WARNING!!!

ANY MAIL RECEIVED OF THIS SUCH WITH ANY OTHER TRADE MARK OR ADDRESS SHOULD BE FOWARDED TO YOUR CLAIMS AGENT IMMEDIATELY; THIS WILL HELP US TO FIGHT SCAM AND LOTTERY IMPOSTERS. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION.


Oh the Irony, I mean really....

Reading: Puppy Live Linux release notes
Hauraki's playing: Cream - Strange Brew

"Strange brew, strange brew, strange brew, strange brew.
Strange brew -- kill whats inside of you." - Cream


PS notice careful inclusion of text-form email address, which the spammers bots will pick up... and then the spammers can spam the spammers. It's like Christmas and Easter all rolled into one - but not for the providers who allow their bandwidth to disseminate this trash.

PPS Look! Now I can log into my bank account to get the money from my winnings!


Dear Customer,
PNC Online Banking, is here by announcing the New Security Upgrade.
We've upgraded our new SSL servers to serve our customers for
a better and secure banking service,against any fraudulent activities. Due to
this recent upgrade, you are requested to update your account information by
following the reference below.

Reference*
http://www.pnc.com/update.asp?ID=3b89db2a6001ec93328d21e59a011b0a 25a [links to update22.web.aplus.net/PNC/index.html] Regards Customers Service PNC Bank Plc

This one is a phishing email, in case you didn't know. The link takes one to a website that is not the same as the text would have one believe, where a fake front page for that organisation will be waiting to record and store, when one logs on, all one's banking details for future fiscal and fiduciary fraud.

Should one be naive enough to open a direct link in an email purportedly from a bank or credit company one has accounts with.

The first address isn't a real page, but go ahead and use that second link - then put in bogus user id and password - it will accept what you put in and redirect you to the REAL site's privacy policy page.

Such is life on the Internet; spammers and liars and rip off merchants abound. Doesn't it make one feel so proud of one's fellow man?






:: Monday, August 21, 2006

Untitled.txt


Sometimes the magnitude of what I am missing crushes me, like the MS does. My evil twin just says "it's not so bad, only another 40 years or so to go, don't be such a party-pooper".

Sometimes I could smack her right in the mouth.

Reading: Child of the Phoenix - Barbara Erskine
Hauraki is playing: Unforgiven - Metallica

"what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown "






:: Sunday, August 20, 2006

Weird-shit-o-meter


This one gets 9/10 on the Weird-shit-o-meter

Do you know what it is?



It's on the Top 10 of Weirdest Keyboards.

You can check out more Top 10s here. That little lot of links'll keep you amused for hours.






:: Thursday, August 17, 2006

QOTD


In reference to Gordon:

"That so called "cat" creature has a face like the arse of a scrambled crab"

*sigh*

I wish I'd thought of that.






:: Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Rocktober is on the way


It's Radio Hauraki's Birthday and they are having a mother of a party. Yes, the Pirates of the Airways are turning 4 0.

Classic Rock that Rocks

If you click over there --->>> you can Listen Live to
Classic Rock that Rocks

Anyone got a spare $65 to buy me a ticket with?? I promise I will be nice to you, at least once :o)






:: Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Raw horsepower


Ages ago I did a post with this in it:

In days of old, when Knights were bold
And condoms weren't invented
They stuck some socks upon their cocks
And maids were quite contented


Visions of manly Knights with their great destriers between their legs, snorting through flared nostrils and pawing at the the ground (the destriers, not the knights).

All very medieval and chivalrous and primitive by today's standards, I suppose but you still have to be a rich bastard to own a flash, fast destrier. They cost a King's ransom.

But shit, they sure are a lot faster (not really for dial up users @ 4.5MB).


pawing


and snorting as they prepare to do Battle.

Of course, I would be a very well-mounted Damsel (and no distress) in one of these

...in more ways than one, methinks ;0)

One of our favourite movies in this house is A Knight's tale. For those who have yet to experience this little gem, it's a meeting of Olde English Charm and the music of Queen, Bowie and AC/DC.

"Run for the shadows, run for the shadows, run for the shadows in these golden years - David Bowie"

PS there is more delighful Medieval poetry here.

PPS does anyone know how much a King's ransom actually IS and was "Visions of manly Knights their great destriers between their legs" a little OTT, do you think?

PPPS remind me to buy Lotto before Saturday. I gotta get me one of them beasts.






:: Monday, August 14, 2006

Finger lickin' good


There was a very interesting programme on TV when we got home from shopping tonight. It was about the extraordinarily high rate of campylobacter cases here in NZ. They said that NZers eat something like 37 kilos of chicken a year per person. We walked in half way through when the interviewer was trying to pin the blame on the chicken growers. They had official footage of the chook growing farms, and they had some covert chook growing farm video footage taken by the Save The Chicken people. They showed pictures of dripping, inadequate product wrapping in supermarkets and they had video of chooks dying on the killing chain in the chook factory.

It was very interesting viewing whilst eating our Krispy Chicken from the takeaway up the road.

After dinner/cleaning up/washing/yada yada I cruised to this, pointlesswasteoftime.com, where they have the behind the scenes look at Star Wars. It's a refreshing view of the science fiction genre. Or not.




PS the Crispy Chicken place up the road hires staff who don't have a clue about rounding up currency - they think that something advertised as $6.35 is really $6.40 when they till it up. On each item. Despite using EFTPOS as a method of payment.

Bimbo. **rolls eyes**

PPS is having your dick sucked as if by a French Canadian a good or a bad thing? I don't personally know any French Canadians to find out.






:: Sunday, August 13, 2006

"24"


"What a difference a day makes, 24 little hours..." so sayeth the song.

I guess that's the premise for the very popular TV show "24" staring the no longer very hunky Keifer Sutherland. It's certainly ruled today in this house. This time last night, I had switched my computer off for the night knowing we would be seeing each other in the morning.

I didn't realise how much we would be seeing each other in the morning.

The new clunk-wheeze-freeze-reboot that I had just met a short time before shutting down the night before, in the morning became a black screen of misery, loudly proclaiming "missing or corrupt C:\windows\system32\config\system".

Or something like that.

And it wouldn't let me repair it, which is probably just as well because it was the hard drive that was stuffed. Well, some of it.

So I did what I always do. OK, so I didn't really cos I didn't bother with crying or screaming or throwing something. Instead, I called Murray. He didn't answer. But he called me back. Ha, you thought I was gonna say something else, didn't you. The call went something like this;

Me: I'm on the scrounge.
Muzz: What do you need?
Me: Have you got a 40Gig plus hard drive lying around unemployed and needing work?
Muzz: I'm not sure, I'll have a look and ring you back in a minute.


I rang him back 10 minutes later...

Me: Yo, it's me
Muzz: HI, yes I have an 80Gig Western Digital I haven't used in a while, you can have that.
Me: They have 160Gig Western Digitals at Tricky Dicky Smith for $108. But 80gig sounds nice.
Muzz: Come and get it.
Me: I will, thanks. You know, if you keep this up, I'll start liking you.
Muzz: [laugh] of course.


Bored yet? Well I'm boring me because it's 3 in the morning and I am nearly ready to sleep.

Anyway, it took all afternoon to get it running (while 80Gig was formatting, Reg and I went out and bought him a new car - it passed the time) and I have just finished moving almost 40 gig of data onto other drives and run a diagnostic over the offending hardware. It found unspecified "errors" on the disk and on repairing them, completely removed 2 of the 3 partitions on the drive.

I think that once it's fdisked and formatted, I will slave it onto the kids machine and Heather can store all her music on it. Or maybe not, I don't think I could stand the tantrum if it crashed again and lost all her stuff.

Bugger.

There are some days when I don't like computers very much. The other side of that is that this has been a good learning curve, and what I learned today was good value, not only that my rescue disks and stuff are no damn good until I burn them onto a cd, but that my backup procedures are more or less working as well as they can on a machine with 240Gig of hard space and only 10Gig free across all drives and partitions. And besides, if I wait a bit, I can get a MUCH bigger hard drive and everyone knows size matters.

I think I might drag the big server case out of the cupboard and start planning a new computer, from the ground up. But first I need to paint the case a funky colour. Murray already painted the other server case that I gave him black, and I was thinking along the lines of midnite blue fine flake metallic with about 5 coats of lacquer, ice blue neons and gold highlights.

Whaddya think, too conservative?






:: Friday, August 11, 2006

Unpolitically correct


I wish they would put the Muppets back on TV. Then they could bring us little gems like these...

Alcohol


Cigarettes (and it sez 'bum')


and Ghostly Gamblers breaking even


They wouldn't even screen that episode with Kenny Rogers doing The Gambler on TV any more. It might encourage your average toddler run up to the booze barn to get a bottle of whisky and some smokes. It's lucky toddlers can't drive, though; with petrol so expensive now they wouldn't be able to afford the gas.






:: Thursday, August 10, 2006

Aging gracefully by numbers


I love the Internet. You can find out anything you want.

Flattie often posts tributary homage to the musicians of the Hippy Generation and it's almost always about bands and performers who were at their peak at the very beginning of my musical attention in a household that listened to Tom Jones, with a mother who hated the Beatles and a father who listened to Johnny Cash. And of course the youth of the 60s who followed these aforementioned Hippy bands are Baby Boomers. Now, if you visit that link there, you'll end up at Wikipedia which is one of the foremost repositories for potentially rare and genuine information that can be found on the Net. And that gives them some cred.

Potentially.

When you read that link, you can find out exactly what a Baby Boomer (BB) is. According to Wiki, a BB is someone born between 1946 and 1964. So that makes me the pimple on the boil on the ass end of the BB generation, being born one year and 4 weeks before the end of it. Unless you prescribe to the other theory Wiki reports, that the cutoff was 1963 to let the clever babies of 1964 be something else.

But when you read down a bit further, you see that those born from 1945 to 1957 are the BB and those born between 1958 and 1963 are actually Shadow Boomers (SB). So I'm BBSB. Then they muddy the water again a bit further down and start to confuse things a little. But wait, when you read the side bar, you see that I am also a Generation Jones (GJ), a Baby Buster (BB2) and a Generation-X (GX). Now I'm BBSBGJBB2GX and I think I'd make a couple of bloody good number plates. Or an almost acceptable password. Yeah, because every time I typed it in somewhere I'd be reinforcing what a multi-generational mutt I really am. Maybe I should cruise over to the plates site and get a new plate - BBGENX. Then I'll always know exactly what I am.

This is what it would look like...


Cool, eh!

Besides, BITCH and B1TCH are unavailable.

They've simplified things for the kids; so far they are only Culture Wars (CW) and Generation-Y (GY). They are just CWGY. It's important to have a classification, even if some nameless, faceless entity provides it. [/end dripping sarcasm]

PS - I feel it entirely appropriate that a Generation-X bred a couple of Generation-Y. Now I'm off for some ZZs

"I feel like just another
Spoke in a great big wheel
Like a tiny blade of grass
In a great big field" - Bob Seger.


Adam has just walked past, having a dream about Heather, a dog, a man with a gun and Trade me. I think he has put an auction up for a contract on her; I wouldn't blame him some days. Or maybe he's just excited about his BB gun that is due in the post tomorrow.

Oh shit.






:: Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Girls will be bitches


Teenage stupidity and violence are out of control in New Zealand.

Last year, a girl was beaten right outside the gates of Otumoetai College while a bunch of other girls stood by and laid bets as to the outcome. Parents who witnessed this were appalled at the violence and fearful of their own safety if they stepped in.

Just a couple of months ago, a 15 year old girl was in court for beating up and severely injuring a bus driver. This excerpt from the Herald said "A 15-year-old girl who admitted bashing a Christchurch bus driver last month was warned today that if she was being sentenced as an adult she would face a long jail term. In the Youth Court at Christchurch, Judge Jane McMeeken noted that the girl - who cannot be named..."

And therein lies part of the problem - because she is a minor, this rotten human being is not publically shamed by publication of her name and she is not punished as she should be.

Yesterday's BOP Times had this article.

Bullies scare girl away from school

"08.08.2006
By ANNA BOWDEN
For five months she has received abusive text messages, been pushed around at school and has avoided the canteen and sports fields out of fear she will be hurt. Last week she had to be escorted from her classroom by a teacher amid a barrage of name calling. And now she is being phoned at home _ taunted by the same bullies who are keeping her away from school."


Today, Stuff is reprting this one and I will quote the entire article because Stuff doesn't archive for long -

"Girl thugs 'on the prowl for people to beat up'
08 August 2006
By MERVYN DYKES

Groups of young girls are prowling the inner-city streets of Palmerston North at night looking for people to beat up. That's acoording to Street Van coordinator Lew Findlay, who says anyone who appears vulnerable is fair game. His comments follow an incident on Friday night in the central city when a young mother was attacked by a teenage girl.

The woman was laughing and chatting with friends one moment and lying bleeding on the ground the next. She doesn't know the person who hit her. She doesn't know why she was hit. But what happened to her was fairly typical, according to Mr Findlay. "They go out of their way to pick fights," he said. "They are quite nasty. They are vicious and they know exactly what they have to do to create a fight."

In the case of the Friday night incident, hot chocolate was thrown at the woman while she was talking with friends outside the Main Street entrance to Downtown Cinemas. She asked what the two girls thought they were doing and the answer was a punch from one of them that sent her to hospital. Yesterday she was still nursing a badly bruised black eye.

Police, the Palmerston North City Council and agencies such as Palmerston North Street Van acknowledge that there is a problem, but they are struggling to find a solution. Mr Findlay says it's difficult dealing with girls as young as 13 who are hopelessly drunk or rendered virtually mindless by drugs. Chances are that when Street Van delivers them to their homes, staff will be yelled at by the girls' parents. "Parents," asks Mr Findlay, "do you know where your children are at night? "Are they really staying over at a friend's house? Call and find out. Are they really in their rooms asleep?"

Police said the girl thugs in some ways are more dangerous than the boys, who tended to bluster and posture before resorting to violence. The girls give no warning. The upsurge in violence by girls was first noticed 18 months ago, said Mr Findlay. Most of the girls were 12 to 15, but some (as in the Friday night attack) are as old as 17.

"Very little reason is needed to fight," he said. Perhaps they look around for people who appear to have more than they do - such as designer label clothes. "Quite often there appears to be no rhyme nor reason - the hot-chocolate tossing was fairly typical."

Mr Findlay said many of the members of the group are now known to Street Van workers, although there is a "lot of coming and going" and new faces appear all the time. "The police are trying really hard to solve the problem. They are really making an effort," he said. "Sergeant Peter Knight (Youth Aid) in particular is doing a brilliant job. He is one who goes and talks to the parents."

CityHeart team member John Brenkley said that there was a spike in violent incidents in the Central Business District last month. However, the trend has been a gradual decline in monthly figures since a high of 32 in July of 2003. However, the reports do not specify whether the violent acts were by males or females.






Girls beating up bus drivers and women on the street? Bashing classmates and those unlucky enough to share oxygen space with their lowlife asses at school? Teachers having to provide safe passage for a child JUST TO LEAVE A CLASSROOM?? School principals who say they can't do anything? Maybe they can't when they are as pathetic as Heather's principal is when it comes to actively pursuing her authority within Tauranga Girls College. And yes, we have had our own violent physical bullying stuff from there, not dealt with by the principal, but by me with the advice of the duty constable at the police station, a written complaint to the school (which did almost nothing) and a strategic phone call to the little whore's mother's cellphone. In the end this scissor-wielding child was dealt to by her daddy, in front of her friends with a pair of scissors of his own. This morning, on spotting one of the long term bullies in the carpark, an agitated Heather begged me to drop her "around the corner where Megan can't see me and bash me". This is, of course, not the same kid who attacked her with the scissors, it's another little darling, just one of many in the school who behave like this.

Just fucking charming, eh. And they wonder why our teenage suicide statistics are so high...

The BOP Times articles goes on to say "Mrs Cowens said it appeared to be a socially based conflict rather than school and involved a boy from another school." So, I guess that's her excuse this time for the school not keeping tabs on behaviour? We know, from personal experience, how hard it is to get the school to take any notice until you mention "police" and it doesn't matter whether the trouble started inside or out of school, the fact that it has occurred on campus demands Cowens be responsible for dealing with it when it does. That's what she's paid a very large salary for, after all, to be "in charge".

The time has come to stop all this "minor" bullshit and make these kids face "major" ie adult consequences for the adult crimes the commit. Publish their names, bring back Borstal and enforce residential lockups for those not fit to interact with the human members of society. Hopefully the only people who they can hurt there will be each other, and who cares if they beat each other to death? It's just that many less animals contaminating the gene pool with their anti-social DNA.

Reg advocates bringing back vigilantes to patrol the streets and town stocks to lock the little bastards in all day. Nothing like a little public pillorying to let them know know how low and scummy they really are by the strategic application of rotting food and abuse. Hell, it worked a treat in the Middle Ages. If nothing else, they might finally have something to feel hard done by over. God knows, they don't have anything to whine about compared to their counterparts a few hundred years ago.

There is a boy just been transfered into Adam's class. He lives just up the hill from us and we call him "Weed Boy" because, at 12, he is right into his marijuana, hanging out with his mates, wagging school and is much too happy with his fists where other kids are concerned. Word is, he isn't gonna be there much longer. There is also a girl in his class who likes to trap boys (well Adam anyway) in the classroom and punch the shit out of them. In an attempt to save Adam the grief over being slated if he punches the little bitch back, I have advised him to speak to his Deputy Principal seeing as how his teacher doesn't seem to even break stride to listen to him when he has a problem. Is this girl going to be one of these gang bitches in a couple more years? No, in her head she already is. Big, tough girl. Give me 5 minutes and I'd have her screaming like a baby and see how tough she is then. It's all Biblical, you know - an eye for an eye and a smack in the head for a smack in the head. Unfortunately, she is one of a number at her school who have the same (lack of) mentality where letting people exist in peace is concerned. Her brother, also at the school, likes whipping people with rose bush branches. What a bloody treasure this family is.

Gangs, drugs, violence - our legacy of too much political correctness, violent and antisocial music, garbage television programming and a lack of parental responsibility and discipline. We as parents cannot deal with it in the manner which is most needed without facing a court appearance, as happened to a father who bailed up the shithead bullying his kid a few months ago. We, as parents, aren't allowed to protect our children physically; we have to wait for those who DO have authority to ignore it instead so that it happens again and again and again.

Once NZ was clean and green and the people on the street were nice; now it's dirty as hell, the children will beat you up and the greenery one sees is the algae growing over the top of the social sewerage pond that 4 million plus of us call "Home".






:: Tuesday, August 08, 2006

A Night at the Opera


You thought this post was about Queen, didn't you. Well it's not. It's about a browser.

Now, you might realise that I'm a dedicated FireFox fan - for lots of reasons, mainly cos it's faster, more secure, has some really cool extensions and best of all, it has nothing to do with Microsoft.

But there is a new contender for the title of Morticia's favourite browser and its name is Opera. Not so many years ago, Opera was as big a piece of crap as Microsoft from the perspective of a web developer anyway, but in the intervening time they have seriously gathered their excrement unto itself and now have a flash, fast browser with loads of cool shit to download and use and one which I have installed just because I have to check cross-browser compatibility when making the really cool stuff I make.

Yes, it's all about Widgets. Widgets used to be labels applied to things of an unknown or undefined nature; now the word also means an interactive GUI component. And what a lot of interacting you, dear and gentle reader, can do.

Like what? I hear you ask... well let's see... yes you did, I heard you

Ever wanted to draw 3D shapes but didn't have a tool for it?


What about a round of Tetris on top of your surfing


or watching the Planets revolve is fun (you can even sing the Galaxy Song, your Widget won't mind)


Chronic doodler?


Need to know all about a website? Bradford reckons he knows.


Needed a colour picker urgently?


Got time for a Garfield fetish? (Careful, you can get arrested for that)


It's all right there, thousands of them, inside your Opera browser and just waiting for you to install it. It's only a 4.6MB download.

You can even translate your Tui advert into French (that one's just for you, James!!)



Ya know you gotta have it, it'll sooo boost your productivity eh...

"ouais, bien"

;0)






:: Monday, August 07, 2006

Going to Hell in a handcart


I think the world is screwed. Really. I'm not talking about the people dying in this war brewing in Lebanon, or anywhere else in the world for that matter. No, it's not Global Warming. It's not religious intolerance, either.

It's stupidity. Blatant stupidity and lack of common sense. It's the death knell for Darwin's Natural Selection and Spencer's Survival of the fittest, all rolled into one.

In this instance, it's braindead, 5-minute-modern-mothers like those who sit at home all day and trawl through online auctions on Trade Me for babies cots to have the listings removed because they may not fit the government-created guidelines for safe sleeping equipment for infants. Like this rant on the message boards by a disgruntled trader:

" Know it alls!!!!! Im not sure if I want to trade with these people!! I got 3 abusive questions about a cot I was selling as someone decided it was not up to code....which it is....and ranted and raved inciting others to do the same all over what they thought was a dodgy item...not really asking me to verify the details of why it was up to code...and TM withdrew with out asking me to verify !!!!! Man am I mad!!!!!!! First of all you cant measure any distance from a fliipin photo and the other issue I had covered in my blurb saying it was removable!!! Since when did we have the power to harrass each other without proof!?" (sic)




WTF is up with that? Whose bloody business was it anyway? Hell, if I was having a baby now, I'd buy whatever damned cot I wanted because, unlike these brain dead modern mothers, I CAN tell the difference between what's safe and not safe to do with my kids. H and Ads slept in a cot with knobs on the end and didn't have any problems at all, probably because, safety-wise, their clothing was appropriate for the job. There are lots of things I did for my kids simply because I, as their parent, could identify the potential consequence of a given situation and make sure they weren't put in danger. I don't need some drone to make rules to enforce an implied safety on my kids. But I'm not ever going to be a new parent again (thank you Lord) and it's a blessing that I won't have to dumb waaaaaaayyy down to become a socially correct moron able to be considered as raising my child the 'right' way. That's the right way for this year, it will all be different next year. Then they will probably completely outlaw cloth nappies in case someone's baby swallows a nappy pin that some BDMM left lying around one day when she ran out of disposables and didn't know how to use this foreign object.


Have we, as a society, become so stupid that our new mothers can't figure out for themselves that loose or strappy clothing, bibs and trailing ties are potentially dangerous to babies where protrusions exist? Do we really have to legislate for this? How come we, our mothers, our grandmothers, great-grandmothers could figure all this shit out for ourselves but our children's generation (and I suppose their children, too) have to have laws made to protect society from natural selection?

Like all kids, of any age and size to know better (if their parents had a single brain cell to bang around in their skull to start with) who walk out in front of vehicles, put wires in electric sockets, any one of a hundred other really stupid things that simple "common sense" will tell anyone with a clue are risky at best and lethal at worst, they should all be given the opportunity to remove their substandard genes from even the shallow end of the pool before they can contaminate our species any more than they already have.

Honestly, until you trawl the forums around the internet, you can't really get a feel for how low our species has sunk when it comes to personal care or responsibility or raising our kids to understand danger, risk and consequence which does well to prove the scientific studies reported a few years ago that said we have, as a species, passed our use-by date because we can no longer rely on our natural instincts to keep us (and our children) safe and have become weak, dependant and downright bloody stupid.

And there are a lot of VERY stupid women out there who have been allowed to procreate and thus raise a new generation of people just like themselves. Beware stupid bitches in packs.

Wrap us up in cotton wool
We're to thick to think ourselves
Let us live in LaLa Land
And frolic with the Elves
Enforce warning tags to keep us safe
And laws to fence the brink
Don't make us learn of consequence
And don't EVER let us think.


Check out the Darwin Awards for yourself and see how many ways stupid people have found to remove themselves from the gene pool.

Let's hope they didn't breed first.






:: Saturday, August 05, 2006

Crap


It's funny how things that were obviously meant to make sense in their original tongue come out as garbage when translated to English. Fatima's blog is a classic example. Once translated from Japanese, little gems like "Well ..having delicate skin.. ? after all. - when relaxing one's guard for a moment. ..it is easy to become Caicai. Delicate lady Therefore, it is -. " really have lost something along the way.

Whilst Fatsy may be all grown up now, some things don't appear to have changed



"The cheese is loved, and the chocolate likes large large large large -."

Of course, it's not just the chocolate and cheese she likes large, large, large, the bitch ate my whole dinner one night, right off the table last time she came to stay with us. She has a lot more balls than her mother has. While she doesn't look anything like her mother, she does look a lot like her daddy, Boof. He has big balls, just no fucking brains. What else would you expect from an Aussie male?


I'll be posting a pic of her mummy (for those who haven't met her yet) on September 22 when I do a special Alien Anniversary Item. Don't forget to be there to read it, you'll be so sorry you didn't miss it.


Now, Engrish.com is a bit of a hoot and obviously I'm not the only one visits there, cos these came in an email today...

For dirty situations...



Use this only with hand washing facilities er at hand


And just because I know you were wondering where the word 'crap' came from (yes you were, you just didn't know it), I stirred this up for you:

crap
Function: noun
Etymology: British dialect crap, craps residue from rendered fat, from Middle English crappe, perhaps from Old French crappe chaff, residue, from Medieval Latin crappa
1 a usually vulgar : FECES b usually vulgar : the act of defecating
2 sometimes vulgar : NONSENSE, RUBBISH; also : STUFF

It looks like crap really has been around forever. Thank God for Thomas Crapper, that's all I can say.

Just wish the group of Indian men standing at the centre of a sulphurous, eye-searing, 12 foot diameter curry-fart miasma at the Red Shed today had availed themselves of one before going shopping.

The doctor assure me my eyebrows will grow back, one day.

"Miasma" sounds a bit like "my newt", dunnit flattie

;0)






:: Thursday, August 03, 2006

Kids'n'stuff


A little kid is sitting in biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon in nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Suddenly, the little boy's hand shoots up.

"Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Christopher," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah, the neighbour's Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat arched his back and went:

'ffffffffffffff! fffffffffffffff! ffffffffffffff!'

"...but before the cat could say 'Fuck Off!' the dog ate him".

And courtesy of Popbitch.com (cos I love Popbitch)

A little girl turns to her mother and says, "Mummy,
Billy next door has a willy just like a peanut."
"Do you mean its really tiny?" replies her mother.
"No", the girl answers, "I mean its really salty."


A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barman says "That's a nice newt. What's his name?"
The man says "Tiny". The barman says "Why do you call
him Tiny?". "Because", he replies, "he's my newt."


and lastly

Q: What's green and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.






:: Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Dear Dr Phil


I hope you can help me. My son, who is 13 has taken a liking to the music of Johnny Cash and wants to learn how play his guitar like the late J.C. does in Folsom Prison Blues. Will he be ok and does singing "I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die" going to make him want to visit Nevada? I'm worried because he already likes trains.

Regards
Concerned Willie Nelson Fan






:: Tuesday, August 01, 2006

So attractive


In November last year, Ads got a bang on the head at camp whilst white-water rafting. It wasn't a big bang and didn't leave a bruise or any marks, but it did leave a legacy of random mid field blindness in one eye. The doc who examined him at the time thought it was a bit of concussion but sent him to the eye specialist anyway, just to make sure. Over the next couple of months it occurred again several times, each as a result of a small bump on the head, but went away again in January just before the eye doc confirmed that there was no damage inside his eye to be considered responsible for his being so one-eyed, and it didn't came back.

That is, until June. On this most recent occassion I took him to see our GP, who referred him to a paediatrician. His paediatrician appointment came up last Tuesday (on his birthday of all days) and the outcome was to schedule an MRI, appointments for which generally take weeks or months to obtain. His only took 7 days and came up today.

So, 8 o'clock this morning we were at the clinic ready to slide him into the Giant Magnet. He was quite ok with the whole thing until the operator pushed him into the tube, at which point he became a little upset. The answer was for me to sit at the end of the table and hold his foot for half an hour, which is what I did. So I sat there, book in one hand, foot in the other, wearing earmuffs and listening to the banging and clanging sounds change every time I yawned (well it WAS early) and was very pleased to be able to confirm that what the gynocologist who put the titanium clips in me when performing my tubal ligation said about titanium not being a very attractive metal was 100% correct. I don't think I need to verify that they don't set off airport scanners either. I'll take his word on that.

So, only a couple of hours after getting home from that, I got a call on the phone from Healthcare NZ who hold the contract for my cleaning. Well, actually, some woman called Rachel got a call because she was supposedly at my house doing my cleaning. On being told she wasn't here, this person said that she must still be on her way. I have to wonder where she was coming from cos it's been 13 hours now and she still hasn't shown up. Mind you, someone called Rachel didn't show up (just the same) about 4 months ago, too. I wonder if they are related?

Seriously, though, this company perfectly demonstrates that a business doesn't have to have a fucking clue to be able to rack up government-funded home help assistance money while failing to fulfil the contracts that they hold. They have big staffing problems, according to the boss, who said they lost 19 staff in a very short time a few months back. That was when the incomparable Sylvia left us. So now, instead of supplying the required 5 hours a week my contract states, they haven't sent anyone for nearly 4 weeks, except a woman who arrived, unannounced last week, half an hour before I had to go out, despite the fact that it was not her day to be rostered on anyway. She was a bit pissy about it all.

And of course they sent Rachel, who I am starting to worry about because either she has driven off a bridge and is lying badly injured or dead, or she just doesn't exist.

Rachel, if you are reading this, please phone the office, Jenny is looking for you.